forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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