Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
