awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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