Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
