Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
