I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
There's even glitter on my cock...
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