I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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