Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
