Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
