i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
