Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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