you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize