She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
