So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
