is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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