Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
