apparently the secret to your success is patron
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
