I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
