fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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