she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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