Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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