just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
