Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
