I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
