I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
