The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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