I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
