I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
