At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
