What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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