God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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