It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
