anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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