we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
