billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
