Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
