I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
