Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize