why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
