It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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