look no pants
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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