It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sorry about my life...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
