does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
