not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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