I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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