i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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