After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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