Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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