I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize