Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
