I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
