is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
