I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The air was thick with penises
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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