I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
