the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize