I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
