i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just want nice things and good sex
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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