Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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