Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize