Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
