Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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