I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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