What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
