my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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