Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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