8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
